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About the Author

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Dr. Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D.

Named by Cosmopolitan Magazine as one of the country’s top relationship experts, award winning psychotherapist, syndicated columnist and radio host, Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., is an internationally recognized counselor, author and speaker. He has appeared on CNN, Good Morning America, Fox & Friends, CBS News, NBC News, Beauty and The Geek and The Greg Behrendt Show. In addition, numerous radio shows and national magazines have interviewed him. Most recently, Dr. Goldsmith served as the national spokesperson for the Mars Candy My M&M’s Treasured Moments Challenge.

Since 2002, his weekly column, Emotional Fitness, which is syndicated by Scripps-Howard News Service, runs in The Ventura County Star, The Chicago Sun-Times, The Orange County Register, The Detroit News, The Cincinnati Post, The San Diego Union-Tribune and over 150 other newspapers giving him a readership in the millions. In addition, his popular monthly business column has appeared in over 200 other publications. Dr. Goldsmith also hosts a weekly radio show on the most award-winning station in Southern California, KCLU/NPR, with 80,000 listeners in Los Angeles, Ventura and Santa Barbara.

The Author's web site

Best Boomer Towns Columns

Couples, Communication and Connection -  Talking it out is the best way to heal anger.

It seems counterintuitive, but when you're mad at someone you care for, the best way to deal with your unhealed anger is to talk about it. All too often, we don't feel like speaking to the person who has irritated us, no matter who it is. But clamming up or inappropriately venting will only cause more ill feelings.

The truth is that shutting out your partner is only going to make him or her feel distant, punished, and unloved. The next time you engage in this behavior, ask yourself the question, "What is my intent and do I really want to hurt the feelings of the person I am sharing my life with, and if so, will the outcome be a positive one?

Sharing your anger with the person you're mad at can actually be a bonding experience. The idea here is to calm yourself down long enough so that you can actually articulate what's going on for you. Perhaps you felt slighted, ignored, or just plain offended. Whatever the reason, not putting your feelings on the table will only lead to more of the same.
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It's important to acknowledge your anger and not suppress it. The key is to concentrate on talking, which is not the same thing as spewing your displeasure at the person you are blaming for the hurt. Make no mistake: anger always comes from hurt (or fear). When someone causes you pain, you may have the impulse to respond like a child and try to hurt back. Unfortunately, this usually ends up with both parties feeling worse and spending too much time in opposite ends of the sandbox.

The hardest part about discussing your anger is getting started. The second hardest part is keeping the conversation from escalating and trying to make sense if you're upset. I recommend that you begin the talk with a term of endearment and then a very succinct sentence that tells your story. For example, if your partner is being overbearing, you could say something like "Honey, when you say that to me, it feels like you're being parental and treating me like a child."

Use your adult words instead of lashing out childishly or going into another room to avoid the person you are mad at. Every minute that we dwell in anger, we're wasting the most precious thing we have-our time. Take the risk of speaking your feelings, even if you don't have all the right words or are feeling distant. Doing so will make your problems smaller and your life better.

The challenge here is to move through your pain to a place of mutual healing and respect. Making up is far sexier than making each other wrong. Once you say what you need to say and feel heard by your mate, you have created the opportunity for love to fill the hole in your heart.

www.bartongoldsmith.com

 

 

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